Last month for my day job I flew from Austin to Dallas to attend a Fall/Holiday seminar. The very early morning flight was just fine even on 3-4 hours sleep due to a quick catch up session with friends for spirits the night prior. But, by evening after seminar...I was utterly exhausted and Straight up lingering in vulnerable "town". Anxiety creeped in as the flight home began to take-off. Looking out the window as the wings fluttered me farther and farther off the ground, I began full blown panic mode. My heart beating as if someone was chasing me down a dark alley and then seconds later my stomach following suit like a tilt-a-HURL ride. Ready any second to release content, I did not want to find all over myself and the seat in front of me. Thank God, I saw the barf bag neatly tucked in at instant grab length.
Historically flying is super pleasurable experience for me, I usually love every bit of it. The hustle and bustle of the airport, people watching and that thrill of being called to board the plane. My air flight routine of listening to Angels and Airwaves on repeat. Having my face plastered to the window, watching the earth below become smaller and smaller. The joy of being in the clouds and maybe just maybe a little closer to heaven. Quirky I know, but by now I think you know me StoryboardC. is a little off center:) Enjoying things that most individuals find a chore or big pain in the ass. But, not this time...
I felt like I had one way ticket to hell and I was scared shitless. Thank God for the sweet, yet slightly and very hip younger couple sitting in the row with me. Calming my ass down as I secretly focused on them through the corner of my eye. They oozed calm, loving energy as they held hands in between her boyfriend stroking her tanned leg (which I envied, because my legs are still pretty pasty white for being in August) as she curled up in her seat leaning as close to him as possible. Normally I might of been a bit annoyed or a uncomfortable by this PDA (public display of affection) in such close proximity to me. At this point, they could of began making out and I wouldn't of cared one bit. I was loving their connection and how it was soothing my own panicked spirit. I began to start to think of my ex-husband and how I missed that intimate companionship of another human. I'm not talking about sex here people, yeah though that would be nice too. The glances you share, that sense of home another person can carry for you. The inside jokes and laughter. The conversations that you two can only have and a love that goes beyond what you ever expected...
And Vulnerability gets you there. This whole short flight brought me back to this recurring theme and challenge in my life. I have a very hard time with vulnerability and especially over the last couple of years for obvious reasons. Anyone that reads my blog regularly knows, I have experienced so much loss and I still struggle daily with the polarizing effects of it. But, I keep trying to courageously push through it know matter how uncomfortable it might be...
I know I am not alone in this...we all struggle with it. Including you reading this I am sure. The few things I have learned on this quest to be openly more courageous in vulnerability is the knowledge that it is not a weakness, but boldness in showing up for life just the way we are. We are acknowledging our fears and the preconcieved power they really do not carry. I remember a quote from one of my all-time favorite movies, Bridget Jones Diary. When Mark Darcy finally confesses, "I like you very much just as you are." [watch this charmingly awkward moment for yourself HERE]. Ah, just as you are...the bad, the beautiful and quirky.
Now that I have shared another chapter in my continued quest down the road of Vulnerability. I am sure this won't be the last post on this topic:) Now, I want to personally challenge you to do a little research... I have a compiled a few links that have helped me with my own awareness:
The TED talk that started it all, Dr. Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability. Her companion book, Daring Greatly. Of course this awesome chat with Oprah. Last link I promise: www.brenebrown.com Brene's site is worth the time to discover. I spend a lot if time on there, wandering in learning. Honestly one thing this past summer I have purposely integrated into my life is spending time daily nurturing that mind, spirit connection through reading, podcasts and of course writing. It has allowed me to grow in ways I never imagined. And this is why throughout September I want to share it with you:)
Thank you for spending time with me here on StoryboardC and I want to leave this post with my most vulnerable of fears:) brought to you by another Bridget Jones reference, (Link)"It's only a Diary, everyone knows they are full of crap and Nice Boys don't kiss like that!" Love that cinematic moment.
What is your Story? By the way what is your most vulnerable of Fears?