I love that movie...for me it truly encompasses the diversity of love. How painful it can be, breaking your heart into a million excruciating pieces. Bringing you to that place you never think you can recover. Then when that heart of yours does heal after time. Walls are immediately erected to protect it from future "invaders".
But, Then it happens. the unthinkable. Someone walks into your life, who knocks the black and white dullness wind out of you, breaks open those walls as if they were paper thin. Catching you off guard with a glance, a conversation or even unexpected kindness mingled with the most passionate kiss. Oh, It breathes life back into you. The world seems colorful again. So, bright you can nearly stand it. It even scares you. You want to run, some do. Leave, drive thousands of miles and escape to new people, places and things. But, if you do stay or return ...you are brave. Facing Love Actually.
Love is never easy, we all know that. It takes work. A Whole hell of a lot of work. Giving in or up when needed. Compromise and Compassion. Forgiveness or Letting go. I am still on the letting go end myself. After two and half years from my divorce, this is the first time I have written about it here on the blog. It is a subject I shy away from here. When I started this blog back in the summer of 2007, I promised my then husband that I would keep our lives to ourselves. I would post about the every day ordinaries with Ahmed. But, our personal relationship was off limits. Sacred. I liked it that way.
Now that it is not he and I anymore. I feel good about sharing our ending. It had it's ups and downs, but overall it was pleasant. Yeah, pleasant. We talked and talked on our trademark drives. Sometimes pulling over to cry that things couldn't be what we thought...we lived such separate lives with our religious and cultural differences. He a devout Egyptian Muslim and I a all-American girl who happened to rediscover my own Christian-Catholic Faith again. I knew we would never be able to compromise. Especially if children were involved. I knew it had to end, I loved and still love and respect dear Ahmed too much to not allow him to have his heart desires in a relationship. So, I had to let him go. And he let me go for the same. The rest of the intimate story I will keep to him and I still. But, one thing I can say I do not regret having faith in my decision. Ahmed and I still today talk often. Mostly texts as of late. Don't get me wrong I miss him. He was such integral part of my life, he walked with me as I lost my mother and stepfather. Held me together when things seemed unbearable. Loved me when I didn't love myself. Taught me to value myself again. Truly a beautiful soul that I am beyond privileged to have had in my life.
I still believe in love, despite some impatience at times with dealing with loneliness. I honestly think most of that loneliness stems from missing belonging to someone like my mom and step-dad. I wish I could spend more time with my Dad too. It hurts my heart that he is far away and has his new family. I feel a little like a orphan now. But, I never want this to be a reason to be in a relationship. Too fill voids that our un-fill able. It will come when it comes. All in timing. *I just hope he is not in some Siberian prison with 20 year sentence daydreaming of mid-century modern, European automobiles preferably old Volvo's:) and being able to listen Chet Faker when he gets out:) again it is all in timing.
This weekend one of my best friends from childhood is getting married. I am so happy for her and her gem of a groom at both of their second chances at love. I want so much joy for their new life together. They both deserve it. As all of us out there included. If your one reading this, that has little hope in finding love again. My advice to you is learn to enjoy your own company and once you do....I Promise that the one your waiting for will show up, shake you to your surprised core and remind you that the wait was beyond worth it. Ok now with that thought go enjoy the hell out of your very own life:) It is too beautifully short. Happy Saturday Night. Love, C.